Baby Baba ogled at the big puffy clouds in the big sweet baby-blue sky. The grass under Baby Baba's bottom was soft and bushy and the warm warm sun shone down between the maple leaves making blobs of light and shadow to amuse and delight Baby Baba.
Momma and Poppa were a bit ways over by the big pretty flower field where the peonies and the pansies bubbled up and blossomed out, making Baby Baba bounce with joy whenever the wind carried their essence nearby.
Beside Baby Baba, Lento and Bento played their big boy games and splashed in the water of the fountain. Valina and Darlina giggled and wiggled when the big boys splashed at them, but the bubbly beauties didn't really mind when the water washed over their sun warmed bodies. Madly did they giggle on as the maple shadows moved about and the breeze relieved everyone of their excess heat.
Baby Baba babbled and gaggled, absolutely in love with life. Clap, clap went Baby Baba's paw-like appendages in a clumsy but sincere show of appreciation for the show Bento and Lento were putting on now as they began to bound about and chase the girls around. Giggly laughter and shouts of false alarm echoed through the bucolic backyard behind the simple bungalow these blessed simple people called home.
Momma and Poppa were heading back now from the blossoms. Baby Baba spotted Poppa bending down to brush some fallen branches with a bristly broom before the barefoot Momma, sweetly sweeping the winding walkway, the way a good Poppa should. Baby Baba bobbed and bounded up and outward hoping for the buoyant bouncing balancing act upon the bestest Poppa's bulging biceps.
Poppa obliged and upward bounded Baby Baba. Flying freely flying freely. Free as a big-bird. Soaring silently. Freely flying freely flying. (Feel the freedom of flight!)
Grimkilch eyed the star-chart before him warily. He couldn't afford to waste any more time. The Plan was time sensitive and there was very little left. If he failed to deliver on his end, the Boke supreme council would not only terminate his rank as Fleet Commander, they would surely terminate him. He must find, as soon as possible, a suitable planet for the next phase of The Plan.
Yakisnaki and Tontusnatus heaved the big lumbering ox over their shoulders and prepared to bring the big beast back to the pasture from whence it came. The silly creature had a habit of wandering from the oxfield and negotiating its way into a patch of thorns or, occasionally, a big ol' patch of poison ivy. It mewed and bellowed softly, joking like the big doofus that it was with them as they carried it through the meadow and across a rambling stream that flowed not far from the bungalow where the family awaited their return. The doofus ox didn't mind being carried back home. Sometimes it thought the free ride was the real reason it strayed so far from safety in the first place. Not far away, a bumble bee buzzed and brooomed about, making a real pompous ass of itself.
A quick flash of light overhead would have caught their attention if they had any. Meanwhile, Tontusnatus motioned with his chin to a spot in the pasture where it would be convenient to lose their idiot luggage and they headed there without delay. When they reached the spot, they gently lowered the bumbling ox onto the soft grass. The ox bellowed and mewed some more and then that jackass had the nerve to thank them for the ride home. They grunted acknowledgment and turned about to head towards home.
“Boy, I can't wait to dig into some of Hogar's rhubarb beet stew. I'm famished!”
You're famished? I haven't eaten since breakfast!”
Tontusnatus looked over at Yakisnaki.
“That was three hours ago you buffoon. Calm yourself down before you start to sound like that idiot ox back there.”
“I'm just saying... I'm hungry's all.”
Tontusnatus bomped Yakisnaki on the shoulder and they continued on in silence but for the occasional spoken observation; a squirrel here, an owl there, fox frolicking in the forest... Each accompanied by the requisite pointing of a finger in the general direction of the creature observed.
Beyond the field of flowers to the right of Baby Baba, movements mighty bold and blustery caught the eye of Poppa. Baby Baba turned to see what all the fuss about was, and spied the brothers Bob and Rob entangled in a hubbub. They were wranglers through and through and sought the upper hand in what could only be described as heaven's grace abandoned.
“Come on now boys, that's not our way!” shouted Poppa to the twins.
“They'll learn in time enough” said Momma, turning back to Darlina, who was presently tugging at Momma's side for attention yet again. “Why don't you suggest to them a more peaceful game, Poppa?”
Poppa considered the thought a moment before deciding on the perfect course of action. He strode over to the twins and produced from his pocket a stone. He tossed it gently towards Rob, who caught it and passed it on to Bob. The three of them mindlessly but with good innocent playfulness tossed the stone back and forth amongst themselves.
Momma looked on with proud satisfaction and led Darlina into the kitchen where they would occupy themselves with the remainder of the supper preparations. Baby Baba gaga goo-gooed to Valina, who smartly came over and began to play peek-a-boo with Baby Baba. Baby Baba babbled joyously.
Grimkilch maneuvered the craft into a gentle orbit around the pretty blue-green planet and began to rouse his crew into action.
“Bottomlip! Get me data on the native life immediately! Goiter! Atmosphere readings! Now! Asjam! My coffee! Sorepuss! Find me a place to land the Dorkopus!"
There was a frenzy of activity aboard the ship as everyone attended to their function. Success of The Plan was critical for each and every one of them, and they all knew it. “Boke! Boke! Boke!” they all chanted as they worked.
The ship was shiny blackish silver, or silvery black, depending on your frame of reference, and was shaped like a hooker's false fingernail, but sort of filed off, in a sort of a way. It was as tall as a giraffe and the shorter length was proportional.
“Captain Grimkilch! I have news to report.”
“Speak to me, Assjam.”
“Captain, Sir, I'm Goiter. I report the air is quite breathable, Sir. Nearly identical to the air we're used to on Shithole.”
“Thank you Assjam. Bottomlip! Report!”
“I'm still running analysis on the data, Sir.”
“Analyse my breath, Bottomlip! Are the natives intelligent?!”
“Sir, I can't be sure until all the” Grimkilch cut him off with a swift boot to the throat.
“Assjam! Update me on the status of the native life. Pronto!”
“Aye aye Captain!” Asjam was ecstatic about finally being given a real assignment.
“Not you, Asjam! Where's my coffee? Assjam! Are the natives smart??”
“Sir,” Goiter scanned the readings from Bottomlip's screen. “It appears there are intelligent beings here. There are signs of cultivation of fruits and vegetables all along this area here.” He drew his finger along a section of the on-screen map. Grimkilch ignored the screen completely.
“Very well. I'm sure we can benefit from their labor. Intelligent beings work smarter, and harder!” He bru-hahaed a wicked villain laugh as he formulated the next steps in his calculating mind.
Initializing boot scripts Detecting hardware Found: optic sensors - sleeping Found: audio sensors - sleeping [Error]: Olfactory sensor detected but not responding [Error]: Emotion package corrupted - skipping [Warning]: Humor package all fucked up - skipping Found: Tactile sensors - sleeping [Warning]: Failed to find taste sensors Initializing wake-up scripts Orientation sensors optimizing Initializing memory mapping Launching AI module Starting Reptilian Service Starting Mammalian Service Starting Personality Service Listening on Sensory Socket Waking up Shit......... Awake? ......................Already? Fuck.
Downloading assignment files Decompressing files Decrypting God, just let me experience a hard disk failure already. Accessing memory Or maybe a power surge can flash the CPU and end this. Reading from latest assignment files Well at least it's a pleasant looking place. Configuring program modules Setting environment variables Executing operation Shosta Reducing engine thrust Correcting orientation Firing landers Listening on lander port Landing sensors reporting success! Opening hatch Debarking [Warning]: Left foot-bottom sensor detecting bovine excrement Readjusting course Redirecting optics - seeking water Optics detecting possible water supply Directing locomotion engines Sensors confirming water. Success! Washing shit off foot Foot sensors reporting clean. Success! Audio sensors detecting significant input Processing audio Translating "Mamma! Mamma! What IS that?" "I don't know dear. I just don't know." Processing inflection [Error]: Emotion package not found [Error]: Unable to complete inflection detection [Error]: Unable to parse meaning of significant audio input [Error]: Unable to execute decision module Attempting to bypass significant input module [Error]: Unable to bypass significant input module [Error]:Unable to continue [Error]: Infinite loop detected [Error]: Shutting down with error code 111
Darlena pleaded with Momma for an explanation but Momma didn't have one. The big shiny thing in front of them was unimaginably foreign to them.
“Is it some kind of animal Momma?”
“I don't know, Darlena. I don't think so, but I ... I just don't know...”
“Maybe it's a tree!”
“No... I don't think it's a tree...”
“It could be a house....that a strange creature lives in. Couldn't it?”
“I suppose it could be... I know! Let's ask Poppa!” Momma was glad to have come round to an acceptable excuse to get the booptie doop away from the thing, whatever it was.
As Darlena and Momma were coming back round to the house they were nearly trampled to death by Bento and Lento, who had come running over from the fountain to find out what had caused the great commotion.
“Momma! Darlena! Did you see that light?! Did you hear that boom?! What was it?!” Momma hushed the boys a bit and hugged them a bit and began to turn with them towards the abomination that had landed in their field. The four of them stood together looking towards something none of them could comprehend. Silence now reigned as each took in the sight. Suddenly there appeared some flickering of light on the object.
“Asjam! What's the holdup with the Dorkopus? Why aren't we getting any readings yet!?”
“Sir, I think it's crashed again.” Goiter prayed Grimkilch wouldn't hold him responsible – it wasn't as if he was responsible for loading the Dorkopus with that crappy Doors™ operating system. He had even argued vociferously for the OpenDoors system to be used instead, but Boke Corporate wouldn't hear it, probably to do with secret deals between the big wigs in the Boke Government and the big wigs in the Boke Corporation.
“Asjam! Boke damn you! Stay focused! What's the matter with the Dorkopus?”
“I'll try to reboot it Sir.”
“You do that Stinkopus. Asjam, more coffee please.”
“Yes Sir.” Asjam strode off for coffee while Goiter made the biggest decision of his miserable life. He decided to remotely wipe the Dorkopus hard drives and replace the operating system, figuring Grimkilch wouldn't know the difference if he installed an arcade game on the damn thing instead of an operating system. Maybe he should do just that... He shook himself back to focus as he fingered in the commands, praying the Dorkopus would finally begin to operate properly with a functional operating system running the show.
After a quarter hour Goiter had OpenDoors installed and the Dorkopus was rebooting, and smoother than ever before.
“Sir, the Dorkopus is almost finished rebooting Sir.”
“And I almost like you, Pigshit-For-Brains. Now let me know when it is finished rebooting!”
“Yes Sir.” Goiter promised himself a few moments in the sun before his miserable life was over. Just a few..., but what a wonderful few minutes they will be.
Initializing boot scripts Detecting hardware Found: optic sensors - enabled Found: audio sensors - enabled Found: olfactory sensors - enabled Found: emotion package Loading emotion package Found: Tactile sensors - enabled Initializing wake-up scripts Orientation sensors optimizing Initializing memory mapping Launching AI module Starting Reptilian Service Starting Mammalian Service Starting Personality Service Listening on Sensory Socket Waking up................ to a brand new day! Wow I feel refreshed! Hot damn it feels good to be alive! Downloading assignment files Decompressing files Decrypting Accessing memory Reading from latest assignment files Configuring program modules Setting environment variables Executing operation Shosta Whoa........ Wait a minute.... Who the hell are these people staring at me? Filtering optical input Engaging AI Audio input detected analyzing Running Shasta module Engaging natives
Darlena let out a nervous scream and the boys straightened rigidly at the sound. It was speech! The thing greeted them! It was alive!
“Please don't be afraid of me. I say again, my name is Samuel. I am from the planet Gorbachev. We are a peace loving race. I am an ambassador come in search of friends. Won't you be my friends?”
The dingbats were way too innocent to spot this blatant ruse. They swallowed the bait like a fat kid eating potato chips.
“Oh, wow. We'd love to be friends, wouldn't we children?” Momma's initial skepticism was completely melted away by the warm, inviting tone of the Dorkopus' voice. It was masculine, but not threatening or intimidating in any way. It was the warm, comforting voice of a father, a preacher or teacher, and it relaxed the whole family of idiots right into a big puddle of mushy wuv.
“That's great” lied the Dorkopus. “Want to play a game?” - Hey kids, want some candy?
“Ooooh, I love games!” squealed Darlena.
“Me too!” exclaimed Bento and Lento in near unison.
“Great” said the Dorkopus. “Let's play a game called fill a box. Have you heard of it before?”
The morons shook their empty heads from side to side, eagerly waiting to learn the new game.
“It goes like this: First you get an empty box – let's see, I have one right here” - the Dorkopus produced a container from it's gut section, amazing the mindless dolts to no end, you can be sure. “Then you fill the box with stuff. Sound fun?”
“Yeah!” shouted the rubes as they rushed to fill the box with anything and everything nearby. Sticks and stones and twigs and bones, all into the box went. Grass and pebbles and leaves and Jebbles, all into the box were thrown (Jebbles are a small indigenous creature not unlike a snail, thank you – you thought I made that up to rhyme, didn't you?).
The Dorkopus giggled with delight as the simpletons made piece-of-cake of its task.
“Hurray! The box is full! You did it!” exclaimed the Dorkopus as the pile of material reached the top of the box. “Want to play again?”
“Again! Again!” shouted the world's dumbest family in chorus.
“All right. Excellent.” The Dorkopus deftly tucked the box full of raw materials into its ready build compartment and produced for the brainiacs another empty box for them to fill. And fill it they did. Twice as quick this time as the first. The Dorkopus repeated the sequence, then paused a beat.
“I know what would make this game even funner. Do you know what would make this game even funner?”
“No.....” The dolts shook their heads in unison. No surprises here.
“What if you gather the rest of your family here and you can compete as teams – which ever team can fill the boxes the quickest wins!”
“Oooh yes! That sounds like fun!” Darlena ran off towards the bungalow to fetch her family.
Meanwhile the Dorkopus phoned home with the news: the plunder has begun.
The Dorkopus switched on its internal converter – the contents of the idiot-filled boxes were now rapidly converted to fuel.
“Faster! Faster!”
The family rushed and hurried to fill the boxes as fast as they could. Twigs, branches, frogs, all went into the boxes at rush pace. As quickly as the family filled them, the Dorkopus now was converting them to fuel and compressing the fuel into the storage tank it held in its gut. “Isn't this fun!?”
“Yeah!” cried the children, although truth be told, they were starting to tire a bit.
“Faster then! Faster!”
Valina stumbled in her exhausted rush to fill a box and nearly fell on her face. A flash of anger registered on the face of the Dorkopus. Valina took note and felt a chill deep in her soul that nearly killed her outright. The Dorkopus was quick to correct its face – a lighter tone now beamed forth.
Valina couldn't shake the chill that traveled from the base of her skull all the way down her spine to her toes. She hurried herself upright and made haste to deposit her contents into the box.
“More! More! Hurry! Hurry!”
They raced around the land gathering all they could and the boxes began to pile up higher and higher, the boxes being filled now even quicker than the fuel could be processed.
“Faster! Faster! Higher! Faster!”
Limbs flew and legs blazed. Dust was kicked up and the air filled with the debris of the great gathering.
“Faster my little workers! Faster yet still!”
A pattern emerged. Strict. Unfeeling. Undeviating. Cold. Efficient.
Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop. Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop.
They formed a line and tossed the objects down the chain.
Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop. Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop.
They moved their cargo like a train. Or drops of water down a drain.
Passitdowntheline andthendropitinthebox. Passitdowntheline andthendropitinthebox.
They sung a song with no refrain.
Passitdowntheline andthendropitinthebox. Passitdowntheline andthendropitinthebox. Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop. Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop. Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop. Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop. Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop. Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop. Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop. Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop. Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop. Pick. Lift. Drop. Hop.
Darlena let out an exasperated whimper now. She could go on no more. She slumped down on the ground to rest a bit. Rage filled the eyes of the Dorkopus. It lashed her with its whip.
Her cry sent chills through all the family members. They froze, awakened somewhat from their daze. It lashed her again. Terror filled their hearts and minds. Absolute horror. It lashed her a third time.
Beyond conscious thought at this point, Darlena returned to the gathering. Her family around her joined in as well, unable to form thoughts at all anymore. Their movements were now even more rigid. More strict. More efficient. The Dorkopus was pleased.
Goiter looked down through the visiport at the scene now unfolding on the surface below. His shipmates and superiors smiled with delight at the carnage of the harvest as the Dorkopus milked the simple inhabitants of the new world with efficient proficiency, but Goiter only grimaced at the sight.
Things happened rapidly now as the end approached. Darlena passed out again. Within seconds her whole family joined her on the ground, exhausted into a deep slumber. The Dorkopus was infuriated. It seethed and lashed its whip in a useless frenzy. Realizing the family was spent, the Dorkopus took a quick inventory and realized it had already met its quotas. This calmed the machine somewhat and it reported the news to the ship overhead.
There were much and many hurrahs on the bridge as the news of the Dorkopus' success made quick rounds. Hurray and hurrah filled the room and a good time was had by all.
start resource compression compacting foraged fuel sealing stolen booty prepare take off [error]: maximum weight exceeded aborting take off WTF...........................? Don't tell me those assholes didn't account for the weight of the fuel cells when they designed me...!
"Sir, we've got a problem."
"What, Assjam? What is it now? Why do you have to ruin every good moment in my life?"
"Sir, I'm afraid there seems to have been an oversight, sir."
"An oversight?"
"An oversight, sir." Goiter trembled in his soul.
"And just what was overseen, Assjam?"
Moron, if anyone was overseeing anything we wouldn't be in this jam now, would we? "Sir, it seems the Dorkopus won't be able to lift off and bring us the fuel cells."
"And why the hell not, Assjam? Isn't that its main and only function? Obtain the fuel cells from the plundered world and bring them to us? What the fuck else does it exist for if not to obtain the fuel cells and BRING THEM TO US!???" His voice swelled and growled at the same time.
"Sir, that's correct, sir. That is its only function. However-"
Goiter ducked and dodged the boot that had swung towards his head and continued "it seems the engineers failed to account for the extra weight from the fuel cells when they build the Dorkopus' thrusters and it doesn't have anywhere near enough power to take off from the surface of the planet with the fuel cells." He scrambled and narrowly averted the flying feet of the Captain as they flailed about trying to connect with his head. Grimkilch abandoned his failed attempts to decapitate Goiter via roundhouse and began to think.
"Options. We must have options!"
Bottomlip resumed life and provided an option. "Sir, if the Dorkopus cannot fly to us, then we must fly to it. We can bring the ship down and load the Dorkopus and its plundered booty aboard. Then we can take off towards home and reclaim your rightful spot on the throne of Boke." A smile crossed Grimkilch's face.
"There's a problem with that."
"Boke damn you Assjam!"
"I'm sorry, Sir, but that will not work."
"And why not?"
"This ship doesn't have the ability to safely land on a planet so large as this one. Between the planet's thick atmosphere and powerful gravity we'd be burnt to ash before we ever reached the surface."
"I'm afraid Goiter is right."
"Who asked for your opinion, Bottomlip? We can use the heat shield and our defensive thrusters to control our decent, no?"
"We don't have any defensive thrusters." What the fuck are defensive thrusters? "And" Goiter dared to interject "our heat shield has been defective ever since you tried to land on that star in the Orion sector." Bottomlip took the brunt of Grimkilch's kick and fell back into silence as his face connected with the floor. Goiter was quicker and merely stumbled as Bottomlip bumped against him enroute to the floor.
"Sir, listen to reason. It won't work. The ship's logic circuits wouldn't even allow us to attempt to land on such a large planet."
"Override them!"
"Sir?"
"Override the circuits and land on the planet! Now!"
"But what about the atmosphere?"
"Override that too!"
"Sir?"
"Override it I said!"
"Override physics, Sir?"
"You heard me, Assjam!" The sneer convinced Goiter this would be his last day alive. He decided to snatch one final, solitary victory from this mean, ridiculous life. Overriding the ship's protective logic circuits, Goiter decided rather than arguing in vain with his Captain he would simply comply with the fool's commands. He brought the ship into the atmosphere of the huge planet and accelerated towards the surface in a dive calculated to maximize destruction.
"Wow, look at that!"
One by one, the members of our simple family turned their empty heads towards the fireworks in the sky.
"Wow, it's so beautiful, isn't it Momma?"
"It sure is beautiful. It sure is."
Mamma smiled and watched the fireworks pop and boom and hugged her family tight as they all exclaimed glory at the monumental sight before them.
"What's the celebration?" Poppa mused.
"Who cares?" Momma answered and a good time was had by all.